Welcome to the Springfield Retirement Castle!

Here is a collection of sounds from all your favorite people at the Springfield Retirement Castle. But that's not all, there are even some sounds here from visitors, such as Hans Moleman. Enjoy!

note: all files are zipped wavs


  • Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
  • 58.1 KB
  • I'm itchy! I got ants in my pants! I'm discombabulated! Give me a calmative!
  • 83.8 KB
  • Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch.
  • 22.2 KB
  • Abe sings Old MacDonald with a swing beat.
  • 170.8 KB
  • Homer and Abe talking about "playing it cool."
  • 168.8 KB
  • I've coughed up scarier things than that.
  • 22.1 KB
  • That's your daddy.
  • 10.1 KB
  • Dagnabit!
  • 8.8 KB
  • Abe's "Death" speech.
  • 289.2 KB
  • My story starts back in 19-dikkity-2. We had to say dikkity 'cause the Kaiser stole our word twenty. I chased after him, but gave up after dikkity-6 miles.
  • 68.1 KB
  • Oh, no! We're all doomed!
  • 20.3 KB
  • Hello, beautiful. Woman: In your dreams. Abe: We'll see about that! (snores)
  • 46.3 KB
  • My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is NOT a porn star.
  • 49.8 KB
  • Dr. Hibbert: Looks likes someone tried to eat him. Abe: What are ya looking at me fer? You're all crazzyy...(teeth fall out onto arm)...Here's what I think happened...(runs away)
  • 227 KB
  • He's evil! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil!
  • 35.9 KB
  • I fell 8000 feet onto a pile of jagged rocks. But people were tougher in those days. I was jitterbugging that very night!
  • 174.7 KB
  • I'm president of the Gay an Lesbian Alliance, for some reason.
  • 18.7 KB
  • I never thought I could shoot shoot down a german plane, but I was wrong.
  • 53.2 KB
  • Gimme gimme gimme!
  • 9.9 KB
  • Just a quick game of hackysaaaaack!
  • 23.2 KB
  • Abe talking about the Hellfish.
  • 367.9 KB
  • Let's go. If I'm not back at the home by nine, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance.
  • 88.8 KB
  • You remind me of a poem I can't remeber, and a song that may never have existed, and a place I'm not sure I've ever been too. Mrs. Bovier:That's so sweet. Abe: Ooooo, I feel all funny. I'm in love! No, wait, it's a stroke.
  • 193.5 KB
  • Maaaaaaaaaatlock!
  • 19.8 KB
  • The metric system is the tool of the devil!
  • 50 KB
  • Marge: Where'd you get all the money? Abe: The government. I didn't earn it, I don't need it, but if they miss one payment, I raise hell!
  • 61.5 KB
  • Were you sent here by the devil? Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
  • 45.5 KB
  • Don't go up that mountain. You'll die, just like I did. Homer: You? Did?
  • 108.6 KB
  • Nuts to you.
  • 6.7 KB
  • Everybody want something for nothing. I'm old, gimme gimme gimme!
  • 30.3 KB
  • I'm an old man. I hate everthing but Matlock. Oooo, it's on now!
  • 58.1 KB
  • Now if you'll exuse me, I'm going to the outhouse. Lisa: We don't have an outhouse. Homer: MY TOOLSHED!
  • 39.4 KB
  • They say a man's greatest tragedy is to outlive his own son. I've never fully understood that. Frankly, I could see an upside to it!
  • 42.8 KB
  • I'll save Homer. All I needs is four stout men to work the bellows.
  • 68.4 KB
  • I had seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex!
  • 24.2 KB
  • Dr Nick: ...where the skeleton trys to leap out the mouth and escape the body. Abe: Now yer talkin'!
  • 80 KB
  • Lisa: The next time we fall asleep, we could die. Abe: Eh, welcome to my world. (snores)
  • 49 KB
  • I'm the one who cancelled Star Trek!
  • 45.9 KB
  • One trick is to tell the stories that don't go anywhere...(tells stories)
  • 194.8 KB
  • Homer was never stubborn. He instantly folded over everything. It was if he had no will of his own, isn't that right Homer? Homer: Yes, dad.
  • 150.2 KB
  • Quick, we have to kill the boy! Marge: How did you know he was a vampire? Abe: He's a vampire? Ahhhhhhh!
  • 40.7 KB
  • Wait a minute!
  • 7.2 KB

  • Jasper&Abe: (singing) Without it we'd have had no fun, since March of 1961.
  • 86.1 KB
  • Eh, Paul Harvey's on. Abe: Oooo (changes station) Harvey: And that little boy nobody liked grew up to be Roy Coombs. Jasper&Abe: Wow!
  • 164.9 KB
  • Dr. Nick: Free nose jobs for everyone! Eeeeeee, you first. Jasper: Gimme a Van Heferen.
  • 79 KB
  • Jasper's speech to schoolchildren (That's a paddlin')
  • 66 KB
  • Simpson, gimme your newspaper. Abe: Why should I? Jasper: I wanna do the crossword puzzle. (Fight over newspaper)
  • 248.7 KB
  • Jasper singing.
  • 148 KB
  • Theif.
  • 9.3 KB
  • What do you think?
  • 13.7 KB
  • This sidewalk's for normal walkin', not for fancy walkin'
  • 32.7 KB

  • Abe: That's my son. Crazy Old Man: Who? The balding fatass? Abe: No, uh, the Hindu guy.
  • 109.6 KB
  • Where you guys going at this hour. Hey! Don't scratch up them heads!
  • 102.3 KB

  • The following people have families who which they could be here: (lists names)
  • 284.7 KB

  • My arm? Let me put it this way: the next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus, you do it!
  • 92.6 KB
  • Looks like the spider caught himself a couple of flies.
  • 60.7 KB
  • Hello, young American.
  • 19.2 KB
  • First we need a declaration of war. Ah-ha! That way, everything you do will be nice and legal.
  • 77.7 KB
  • Abe: Has this month's large type edition of Soldier Fortune come in yet? Herman: Not yet, but canI interest you in some authentic Nazi underpants? Abe: No!
  • 147.5 KB
  • Armistace tready Article IV: (continues)
  • 220.7 KB
  • Abe: This is it. (knocks) Herman: What's the password? Abe: Let me in, you idiot! Herman: Right you are.
  • 71.2 KB
  • As soon as Zed get here, the party will begin.
  • 53.7 KB

  • You took 4 minutes of my life and I want them back! Oh, I only would have wasted them anyway.
  • 99.2 KB
  • Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum? Book Store Guy: Get out.
  • 42.5 KB
  • Cowabunga, dudes.
  • 20.6 KB
  • My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!
  • 59.7 KB
  • (Talking to Rev. Lovejoy right before execution.)
  • 175.2 KB
  • That's not a knife. THIS is a knife.
  • 74.4 KB
  • I just made my last payment.
  • 35.7 KB
  • If only this sugar were as sweet as you sir.
  • 35.1 KB

  • Homer: worse still, that treacherous skunk Abe Simpson stole my oxygen and tried to eat my left arm. Ewwwww, dad. Tell my beloved wife my last thoughts were of her, blinding and torturing Abe Simpson.
  • 243.6 KB
  • Homer: C'mon dad, let's get out here. Abe: What's your hurry? Homer: This place is depressing. Abe: Hey! I live here! Homer: Oh, I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it.
  • 152.7 KB
  • Homer:Hey, keep it down out here! (splash) Abe: heh heh heh, got him. (laughing in background) Homer: You! The tall, gray-haired kid, get your butt down here right now! (more splashes) VERY FUNNY!
  • 183 KB
  • Bart: Ain't been popular since odd-6 dagnabit! Homer: Bart, what have I told you? Bart: No talking like a grizzed 1890s prospector, consarnit.
  • 141 KB
  • Bart: I'm here to see grampa. (doors open) Secretary: Half the people here are named grampa. Bart: Well, Grampa Simpson then. (groans, doors shut) Sec.: 2nd floor, 3rd dank room on the left.
  • 144.7 KB
  • Lisa: Why don't you go see Grampa? Bart: What can he do? Lisa: He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive. Bart: Really? Lisa: Yeah. Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?
  • 121.6 KB

  • (Moon video from Lisa's class)
  • 768.5 KB
  • Stonecutters' Theme HIGHER QUALITY!
  • 896.7 KB